Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
