She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think pants incapable of making pants work
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
