Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize