September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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