New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
