I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
