If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
