my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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