I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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