and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
