Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
