Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize