Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
