if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
