sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
They took my balls.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
