Kiss
Puke
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
