Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
