I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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