In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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