Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
