Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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