Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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