mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
