I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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