am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
handjob tips. give me some.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize