Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
