At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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