just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
