My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
