Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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