Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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