I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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