She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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