There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
