.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
