Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
