he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
