The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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