4 words: hood of his car
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was confusing and full of hummus
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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