Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
