dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
