i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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