Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
