his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
