Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
