bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
