I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Randomize
