He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
