Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
