im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize