I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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