I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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