Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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