I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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