you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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