Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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