a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize