I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
one two three fourrrrnication!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
