I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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