Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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